Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
