i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
