Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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