EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
