my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
