I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
