I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
