no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
