She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
