My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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