that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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