It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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