My cat gives me a boner
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
