I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
