I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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