mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
