remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
