I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
