I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Drunk is not a location!
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