Sry I called you an 8
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize