The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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