So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
