i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize