When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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