I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
