New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
