He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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