Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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