Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
