my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
