I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
