There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize