I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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