New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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