I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
