i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
