Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize