I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
