Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize