I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
