Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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