Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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