I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
