when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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