I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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