Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
