She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
