addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize