Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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