Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
