I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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