girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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