Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
