see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize