i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
