Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize