"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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