I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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