Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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