My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
