I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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